When you're thinking about getting engaged...

When we've been dating someone for a while and we're thinking this is 'the one', it can actually be a really tough spot. I remember searching and asking friends/family for some solid thoughts on how to navigate that step and coming away with only vague notions of how to process through it. It's like, one of the biggest steps we take in life, but often times the pathway to getting a drivers' license seems clearer than the path to asking for/offering a hand in marriage.
If you're in that spot, headed towards that spot, or hope to someday be in that spot, imagine us right now in a local starbucks, each of us having a mug of warm beverage of personal choice in front of us, and chatting through this step you're thinking about. Here's some thoughts I'd lay before you in hopes of clearing a bit of the fog.

First, lots of people wonder how long should we date before talking about getting engaged?

You know, the truth is there's not rule anywhere that gives us a mandate of how long is too long or how quick is too quick. And if there was, why would we listen to that? Often times, by the time we reach the point of engagement we're so drunk with love that it's hard for us to listen to any words of counsel someone may have about the timing. But while we sat there, sipping on starbucks, I'd encourage you to consider 2 things. #1 It takes time to see what a person is really made of. One of my favorite proverbs is 19:2 "It's not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way." This is a truth none of us escape: time gives us the advantage of seeing how this person does in real life; anyone can put up a good image for a while, but we really need to give ourselves time to see 'what comes out of a person when life 'squeezes' them?' Time does that. You know this, but...in reality, ending a dating relationship is infinitely easier than ending a marriage or engagement. Give yourself the time to do the first if needed. #2 Remember that you'll tell your story of how you met and married dozens, if not hundreds of times over the course of your life to kids, nieces, nephews, friends, etc. Do yourself the favor of being able to tell how you did things right, with patience, rather than be a person who moans that they divorced because they 'married too quick' or 'just didn't know who the person was.'

If you had to push me personally for a time limit before getting engaged I'd say regardless of your age, whether 20-something or 40 something, give yourself 8 months minimum before getting a ring. If you can stand it, get crazy and go one entire year dating before getting engaged.

After that, I'd throw out a few more thoughts to ask you about your prospective fiancee.
#1 If this person never changes from here on, would you be okay with that? Some people see issues in their beloved and think 'well yeah, they have problem 'x' but I'm sure 'I can fix them' or 'they'll grow out of it'. Listen, that person may never change, in fact, the issue you're seeing may get worse so you need to ask yourself if that were the case, would you be okay with that? Would you be okay with that person's drinking, spending, porn use, eating their own earwax, whatever--if it never changed would you be okay with that? If not, you've got something to think about.

#2 Do you share the same spiritual beliefs? This is SO incredibly important, whether you're an atheist, follower of Jesus, or whatever. Trust me, do not turn a blind eye to this, if you're an atheist and you're thinking about marrying a follower of Jesus, you'll be very perturbed by their habit of giving away $ to their church or a missions organization, or their service in a church, or their attendance of a church. I have seen so many people in deep emotional pain because they and their spouse are living a spiritually separate life; trust me, you'll want to spare yourself that misery.

#3 You're seeing some faults in this person, does that mean you're not meant to be? No, in fact, it's actually a good thing that you're seeing some faults, it probably means you're giving yourself adequate time to see all sides of a person. Now, you should never-ever-never marry someone who is abusive--that's not the kind of fault I'm talking about. I'm talking about things like the person's conflict resolution style, or they're more introverted than you are, or their feet smell. Those types of things can be worked with through counseling, giving them needed space, Dr. Scholl's inserts, etc. So don't count the person out because you're seeing that they're a real person with weaknesses as well as strengths.

#4 Are you still physically attracted to this person? Or has the initial attraction already worn off. Listen, this is huge, if the attraction has worn off by this point, imagine what it will be like in 10, 20, 30 years. Do NOT get engaged if you're not attracted to the person. Really, it's probably time to break things off if that's the place you're in after 8-16 months.

#5 Do you have things in common/to talk about for hours and hours apart from our desire to get engaged/marry? This is a huge one too, I mean, really, if you don't have other things to talk about for hours and hours besides getting engaged and married, what will you talk about after you're engaged and married?

Finally,
#6 Does this person have a steady job (or are they independently wealthy?)? This might be a sticking point in these economic times, but does this person work? Can they provide income? Are they motivated and can they hold down a job? If not, unless they're just wealthy, you'll end up paying the bills each month, will you be cool with that?

So at this point, we'd be done sipping our coffee, and if you have some other thoughts, this would be the time to discuss them!