Dating Part 2: Once you're in it...

I've been part of a 20-30 something community in my area for the last 12 years. During that time, I've noticed a certain phenomenon occuring: when we're single and not dating, we often look forward to a time when we will be dating. When we finally start dating someone, we can make ourselves sick (and spoil what would otherwise be a very enjoyable time) by overanalyzing the relationship.

We nag ourselves with different forms of the same neurotic question 'is this the one? Is this the person i'm supposed to be with? If not, I don't want to be

dating this person because I don't want to get emotionally involved and then have to break things off/get hurt.' Or 'I don't date 'just to date', I only want to date the person I'm going to marry so...is this that person?' Or, to clearly state the question so many Christians ask about someone else: 'is this the one God has for me?'

I've seen so many good, faithful, and faith-filled people in the course of a good relationship work themselves up so much with these questions that anything good they might have otherwise enjoyed from the relationship is spoiled by this endless questioning of it.

If you are currently in that spot or sometime find yourself in that spot, might I give you a bit of helpful advice? Relax. No really--relax. Take a deep breath, rub your shoulders a little bit, work the tension out. Now, let me reassure you of one thing--God is really good at speaking. So good in fact that, to put the Bible as we know it together, He spoke over the course of almost 2000 years, through dozens and dozens of different authors, from different walks of life, some in jail cells, some in King's courts, some out in fields...yet in spite of all of those obstacles, the picture we get of Him and what He wants to do on this earth is strikingly similar and consistent throughout. He's so good at speaking that he spoke to one particular man, Balaam, through his donkey. All that to say that if God wants you tell you something I'm pretty sure He can easily get the job done. Let me state that again: the first reason you can relax is that God can easily tell you something if he wants to.

But let's face it, we can drive ourselves crazy with questions of 'is this the one?' 'Should I continue dating this person?' "How will I know if this is the one?" How do I think through this decision.

I would suggest you sit down in a quiet spot, alone or with a good friend, whichever works best for you (although I do recommend that 'good friend' not be the person you're in the relationship with) and think through answers to the following 5 questions.

1. Are there specific things I have in common with this person? You don't have to like ALL the same things, but over the course of a marriage, it will really help if there are things you simply like doing together--going to a game, cooking, movies, walks in a park--to this day an afternoon with Chantelle at a coffee shop with a paper or a bookstore is great for the both of us. But there should be some things you like doing together.

2. Am I physically attracted to this person? Oh this may seem superficial, but it's not. In fact, the Bible seems to put a high value on it--Song of Solomon is an entire book about 2 lovers engrossed in each other's appearance. I married a hottie and to this day I don't regret it. In fact I recommend you do the same.

3. Does this person make me laugh? Life's filled with so many downers, tough days, depressing days. It's essential to have someone you can laugh with. Proverbs says 'a cheerful heart is good medicine'. Man that's true, on a rough day, a friend who can cheer you up or make you smile makes all the difference. Everybody has a different sense of humor, and I'm sure God's big enough to come up with someone to match yours.

4. Does this person enjoy a good reputation in the community? Whether it's a community of friends, a church, synagogue, mosque, whatever, if people are saying good things it's a good sign, but if there are some bad things going around about this person, listen up. The Bible says 'even a child is known by his actions.'

5. Am I generally encouraged in my spiritual beliefs after I've been with this person? This is THE MOST IMPORTANT! Lots of pastors like to quote the verse about 'not being unequally yoked' when it comes to marriage. I side with a lot of modern thinkers who think that's taking that verse out of context, first because marriage is not referred to as a 'yoke' (hitchin' two animals together) anywhere else in the Bible. Second because, in context, the passage is talking about mixing religious doctrines. I think a Biblical case that's much easier to observe throughout scripture is that when you marry someone who worships a different god, you'll probably end up worshipping their god. Bottom line, if you're committed to following Jesus and you want to keep following him, best to partner up with someone who seems to be doing the same.

If the answer is yes to all or almost all of those questions, do yourself a favor, date that person for 2 months. Don't worry day to day if 'this is the one.' Enjoy it. Enjoy the person and be an encouragement to them. After that, go back and answer the same questions again. If the answer is yes to most or all again, repeat. Do that for about 6 months, after that, you'll have a pretty good idea whether or not 'this is the one' or not...and you'll enjoy the ride much, much more.