The Power of 'Thanks-living'

About 3 years ago I sat frustrated, I was dealing with one of the most miserable emotions of all: envy, I was envious of someone I knew. There's just no fun in envy-it's the least gratifying of the 7 deadly sins. With most of the 7, we at least get some momentary pleasure--the temporary physical pleasure in satisfying lust or the satisfaction of 'telling it like it is' when we plunge into anger. With envy, we wallow in our misery, as one person put it: sorrowful at another person's good. We want what they have but what we have no right to.

I had heard before that the remedy to such a pitiful situation was to just start thanking God for everything we could think of, so I did. With paper and pen in front of me I started writing down and numbering everything I could possibly think of that I was thankful for. When I reached the 80-something things, not only had the envy vanished, but tears of gratefulness were streaming down my face.

That moment really changed my life, and in light of the great day of thanks approaching, I wanted to publicize some lessons I've learned about the power of 'thanks-living', that's right, living a life of thanks for what we have.

First, giving thanks makes me realize all that I DO have. Let's face it, we are bombarded with dozens of ads every day designed to make us want what we don't have. Taken altogether, they accumulate to make us feel empty, like something is missing in our life and that new pair of shoes, jeans, ripped abs, whatever, will fill the space within. A friend of mine was talking with a noted marketer lately and asked how advertisers have become so good at what they do. "That's simple", the marketer replied, "We take a page straight out of Satan's book. We realize that every person wants what they don't have, we just capitalize on that." As a result, we line up before sunrise on black Friday, eager to grab our new toys at discount prices only later to suffer with a bad case of 'buyer's remorse', realizing the 'goods' haven't done that much good to change our lives. Many times we don't even need what we buy (there have been times in the past when I bought something and it stayed in my closet with the tag on for days or weeks before even I wore it. Can you relate?) Living a thankful life is the cure to this cycle, rather than letting our inner landscape be shaped by the force of greed and envy, we can be filled with deep gratitude for all that we do have.

Second, I've seen how giving thanks gets me through difficult times and appreciate what is right in this moment. I used to get locked up in the mentality (and at times I still can) that once I make it through the current crisis, things will get back to normal and I can regain a sense of peace. The problem is, we face different crisis almost every day: a child is sick, a heating bill is larger than expected, David Archuletta didn't win American Idol (j/k, I'm a public David Cook fan). Rick Warren once pointed out that 'there's never been a time in my life when everything was good and nothing was bad, AND there's never been a time when everything was bad and nothing was good. Both are happening at the same time and what makes the difference is which we choose to focus on. Before I got married I got cold feet big time because I started focusing in on one certain quality about Chantelle that I didn't like. As I focused on the issue, it seemed to grow larger and larger until it was all I could think about and was robbing me of all joy. When I shared this with a trusted mentor, he said 'Chris you just need to pray.' I said 'really' but I was thinking 'are you crazy? Aren't you listening?' He said 'yeah, the Bible wouldn't tell us to 'think about what is pure, lovely, and admirable' if we couldn't do it.' In the end, I learned that he was right, not only about my Chantelle, but all of life. I remember a friend of mine had his car stolen and I said 'man that is terrible' but he replied 'yeah I'm looking forward to see how God works through this.' An attitude of gratitude changes the entire process of pain in our life. Lately, when people have asked me 'how's it goin'?' I've begun to respond 'It is goin' well whether it likes it or not.' Meaning, whatever happens today, I'm not going to let it shape me, rather through my faith that 'God works in all things for the good of those who love Him', I'm going to shape my day. I am not a victim to whatever happens in my life, I am a victor no matter what happens in my life.

Third, I've seen how being thankful makes me realize that I have a lot to give. When I'm thinking about what I want, I grasp and hoard to and for myself. When I'm thankful, my eyes are opened to how much I do have. I buy less, consume less, and I realize I have a lot to give--time, affection, energy, financial resource. I remember that people in Haiti are eating 'dirt cookies' to survive (a mixture of butter, salt, water, and yes, real dirt. It's called geophagy and is practiced in many poverty stricken countries). What can I do to make a difference since I've been given so much? What can you do to make a difference? If you're reading this, it's probably b/c you're affluent enough to be on a computer.

Finally, I've learned that starting to give thanks for all we have take us on the first footsteps for God's path for our lives. A person once said that 'the loneliest moment in an atheists life is being filled with joy and having no one to thank for it.' In giving thanks, we can't help but draw near to God, reflecting on all the blessing in our lives brings us into the reality that there is Someone out there who has blessed us with it. That might be the beginning of being closer to God than we every have. If you believe there is a God, I'd encourage you to take a step or two closer to Him, wherever you're at, by giving thanks for all that is good, pure, and lovely in your life today.

When you're thinking about getting engaged...

When we've been dating someone for a while and we're thinking this is 'the one', it can actually be a really tough spot. I remember searching and asking friends/family for some solid thoughts on how to navigate that step and coming away with only vague notions of how to process through it. It's like, one of the biggest steps we take in life, but often times the pathway to getting a drivers' license seems clearer than the path to asking for/offering a hand in marriage.
If you're in that spot, headed towards that spot, or hope to someday be in that spot, imagine us right now in a local starbucks, each of us having a mug of warm beverage of personal choice in front of us, and chatting through this step you're thinking about. Here's some thoughts I'd lay before you in hopes of clearing a bit of the fog.

First, lots of people wonder how long should we date before talking about getting engaged?

You know, the truth is there's not rule anywhere that gives us a mandate of how long is too long or how quick is too quick. And if there was, why would we listen to that? Often times, by the time we reach the point of engagement we're so drunk with love that it's hard for us to listen to any words of counsel someone may have about the timing. But while we sat there, sipping on starbucks, I'd encourage you to consider 2 things. #1 It takes time to see what a person is really made of. One of my favorite proverbs is 19:2 "It's not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way." This is a truth none of us escape: time gives us the advantage of seeing how this person does in real life; anyone can put up a good image for a while, but we really need to give ourselves time to see 'what comes out of a person when life 'squeezes' them?' Time does that. You know this, but...in reality, ending a dating relationship is infinitely easier than ending a marriage or engagement. Give yourself the time to do the first if needed. #2 Remember that you'll tell your story of how you met and married dozens, if not hundreds of times over the course of your life to kids, nieces, nephews, friends, etc. Do yourself the favor of being able to tell how you did things right, with patience, rather than be a person who moans that they divorced because they 'married too quick' or 'just didn't know who the person was.'

If you had to push me personally for a time limit before getting engaged I'd say regardless of your age, whether 20-something or 40 something, give yourself 8 months minimum before getting a ring. If you can stand it, get crazy and go one entire year dating before getting engaged.

After that, I'd throw out a few more thoughts to ask you about your prospective fiancee.
#1 If this person never changes from here on, would you be okay with that? Some people see issues in their beloved and think 'well yeah, they have problem 'x' but I'm sure 'I can fix them' or 'they'll grow out of it'. Listen, that person may never change, in fact, the issue you're seeing may get worse so you need to ask yourself if that were the case, would you be okay with that? Would you be okay with that person's drinking, spending, porn use, eating their own earwax, whatever--if it never changed would you be okay with that? If not, you've got something to think about.

#2 Do you share the same spiritual beliefs? This is SO incredibly important, whether you're an atheist, follower of Jesus, or whatever. Trust me, do not turn a blind eye to this, if you're an atheist and you're thinking about marrying a follower of Jesus, you'll be very perturbed by their habit of giving away $ to their church or a missions organization, or their service in a church, or their attendance of a church. I have seen so many people in deep emotional pain because they and their spouse are living a spiritually separate life; trust me, you'll want to spare yourself that misery.

#3 You're seeing some faults in this person, does that mean you're not meant to be? No, in fact, it's actually a good thing that you're seeing some faults, it probably means you're giving yourself adequate time to see all sides of a person. Now, you should never-ever-never marry someone who is abusive--that's not the kind of fault I'm talking about. I'm talking about things like the person's conflict resolution style, or they're more introverted than you are, or their feet smell. Those types of things can be worked with through counseling, giving them needed space, Dr. Scholl's inserts, etc. So don't count the person out because you're seeing that they're a real person with weaknesses as well as strengths.

#4 Are you still physically attracted to this person? Or has the initial attraction already worn off. Listen, this is huge, if the attraction has worn off by this point, imagine what it will be like in 10, 20, 30 years. Do NOT get engaged if you're not attracted to the person. Really, it's probably time to break things off if that's the place you're in after 8-16 months.

#5 Do you have things in common/to talk about for hours and hours apart from our desire to get engaged/marry? This is a huge one too, I mean, really, if you don't have other things to talk about for hours and hours besides getting engaged and married, what will you talk about after you're engaged and married?

Finally,
#6 Does this person have a steady job (or are they independently wealthy?)? This might be a sticking point in these economic times, but does this person work? Can they provide income? Are they motivated and can they hold down a job? If not, unless they're just wealthy, you'll end up paying the bills each month, will you be cool with that?

So at this point, we'd be done sipping our coffee, and if you have some other thoughts, this would be the time to discuss them!

Dating Part 2: Once you're in it...

I've been part of a 20-30 something community in my area for the last 12 years. During that time, I've noticed a certain phenomenon occuring: when we're single and not dating, we often look forward to a time when we will be dating. When we finally start dating someone, we can make ourselves sick (and spoil what would otherwise be a very enjoyable time) by overanalyzing the relationship.

We nag ourselves with different forms of the same neurotic question 'is this the one? Is this the person i'm supposed to be with? If not, I don't want to be

dating this person because I don't want to get emotionally involved and then have to break things off/get hurt.' Or 'I don't date 'just to date', I only want to date the person I'm going to marry so...is this that person?' Or, to clearly state the question so many Christians ask about someone else: 'is this the one God has for me?'

I've seen so many good, faithful, and faith-filled people in the course of a good relationship work themselves up so much with these questions that anything good they might have otherwise enjoyed from the relationship is spoiled by this endless questioning of it.

If you are currently in that spot or sometime find yourself in that spot, might I give you a bit of helpful advice? Relax. No really--relax. Take a deep breath, rub your shoulders a little bit, work the tension out. Now, let me reassure you of one thing--God is really good at speaking. So good in fact that, to put the Bible as we know it together, He spoke over the course of almost 2000 years, through dozens and dozens of different authors, from different walks of life, some in jail cells, some in King's courts, some out in fields...yet in spite of all of those obstacles, the picture we get of Him and what He wants to do on this earth is strikingly similar and consistent throughout. He's so good at speaking that he spoke to one particular man, Balaam, through his donkey. All that to say that if God wants you tell you something I'm pretty sure He can easily get the job done. Let me state that again: the first reason you can relax is that God can easily tell you something if he wants to.

But let's face it, we can drive ourselves crazy with questions of 'is this the one?' 'Should I continue dating this person?' "How will I know if this is the one?" How do I think through this decision.

I would suggest you sit down in a quiet spot, alone or with a good friend, whichever works best for you (although I do recommend that 'good friend' not be the person you're in the relationship with) and think through answers to the following 5 questions.

1. Are there specific things I have in common with this person? You don't have to like ALL the same things, but over the course of a marriage, it will really help if there are things you simply like doing together--going to a game, cooking, movies, walks in a park--to this day an afternoon with Chantelle at a coffee shop with a paper or a bookstore is great for the both of us. But there should be some things you like doing together.

2. Am I physically attracted to this person? Oh this may seem superficial, but it's not. In fact, the Bible seems to put a high value on it--Song of Solomon is an entire book about 2 lovers engrossed in each other's appearance. I married a hottie and to this day I don't regret it. In fact I recommend you do the same.

3. Does this person make me laugh? Life's filled with so many downers, tough days, depressing days. It's essential to have someone you can laugh with. Proverbs says 'a cheerful heart is good medicine'. Man that's true, on a rough day, a friend who can cheer you up or make you smile makes all the difference. Everybody has a different sense of humor, and I'm sure God's big enough to come up with someone to match yours.

4. Does this person enjoy a good reputation in the community? Whether it's a community of friends, a church, synagogue, mosque, whatever, if people are saying good things it's a good sign, but if there are some bad things going around about this person, listen up. The Bible says 'even a child is known by his actions.'

5. Am I generally encouraged in my spiritual beliefs after I've been with this person? This is THE MOST IMPORTANT! Lots of pastors like to quote the verse about 'not being unequally yoked' when it comes to marriage. I side with a lot of modern thinkers who think that's taking that verse out of context, first because marriage is not referred to as a 'yoke' (hitchin' two animals together) anywhere else in the Bible. Second because, in context, the passage is talking about mixing religious doctrines. I think a Biblical case that's much easier to observe throughout scripture is that when you marry someone who worships a different god, you'll probably end up worshipping their god. Bottom line, if you're committed to following Jesus and you want to keep following him, best to partner up with someone who seems to be doing the same.

If the answer is yes to all or almost all of those questions, do yourself a favor, date that person for 2 months. Don't worry day to day if 'this is the one.' Enjoy it. Enjoy the person and be an encouragement to them. After that, go back and answer the same questions again. If the answer is yes to most or all again, repeat. Do that for about 6 months, after that, you'll have a pretty good idea whether or not 'this is the one' or not...and you'll enjoy the ride much, much more.

Regarding dating: guys man up, women keep your chin up

So in the course of my day today, I had the privilege of hearing a friend read an incredibly moving letter his girlfriend had wrote him. Now, since this is not their blog, both of their identities will remain private, and most of the content of the letter will too, but one portion of the letter really struck me.
The portion that did the work on me was when this young lady revealed how much his words, affection, and pure pursuit of her took her back, caught her off guard, she didn't know what to make of it. She said for years she has wondered if there was something wrong with her because no guys ever showed interest in her. The totally crazy thing is this girl is a 'catch' in every way: she's smart, generous, incredibly compassionate, independent, emotionally healthy, financially sound, modest, and get this, she's really, really pretty too!
This blog is about the 'inside culture' of the Christian dating community; for those who may read it and would not describe themselves part of that community, go easy on us, no community is perfect. But for those who are part of that community, you may have, like me, noticed some strange non-events. Guys who seem healthy and viable matches for numerous young women bide their time in solitude, unsure if they should risk rejection and take a shot while many young women--smart, funny, sociable, deep, intelligent, young women--wait and wonder if there's something wrong with them, at times 'settling' for a lower caliber of guy who happens to have the guts to ask them out.
Now there are certainly good reasons for those apparently healthy, viable guys to remain hesitant in asking a young lady out, maybe there's more going on than what's apparent: you're going through some kinds of healing yourself, working through an addiction: those are good reasons to be hesitant. Many times, though, I hear that guys are just 'waiting for God to speak'.
Listen, consider this a cue that God is speaking. Often times what starts a couple dating is not a hand writing on a wall or the mystical alignment of some planets, rather it's the 'splinter in your mind', you keep thinking about her; there's a room full of people but she's the one you keep noticing; or maybe when you're in a group of people she's the one you find yourself talking to over and over. What I'm saying is that--if she's got good character, is responsible, funny, and you're attracted to her--dude, get on with it. Ask her out, the worse she can say is 'no', and trust me, you'll get over it, maybe she will too. A girl said 'no' to me once and then some time later ended up marrying me. Man up.
And ladies, women, let me encourage you, there's nothing wrong with you. Who knows the reasons why Providence keeps us waiting--maybe to build patience, maybe so we can spend more time in other pursuits, maybe none of those but simply because men today lack confidence, most of our fathers didn't build that into us. Whatever the reason, I for one think it's generally good that you are waiting to be asked out. I realize this is 2008 and not 1908 and that's not a very egalitarian statement. Let me clarify my last statement, there's nothing at all wrong with a women asking a guy out, but I've done many weddings, counseled both married and engaged couples and I've noted one thing: most women (if not all) want to be pursued, and if you're hoping to have a guy who will pursue you IN marriage (which most women do), you'll have to see if he'll pursue you before marriage. If you want that, it's best to wait.
Also, if it is on your heart to be in a relationship, I'd encourage you to pray. Someone once encouraged me to do that, so I did. For 3 years before I met my Chantelle, I prayed to the Higher Power of my personal choice (Jesus) every night before bed for my unknown wife--that God would bring our footsteps together, and get me ready to meet her. If you desire a relationship, I don't know if anything can lead your footsteps together quicker than persistent prayer.
If that doesn't work, it probably wouldn't hurt to forward the site for this blog to him.

Why I've joined the world of blogging.

Yes it's true, I've joined the world of blogging. To keep it simple, my inspiration for bringing my thoughts, experiences, and observations into the realm of public domain has been 2 people, 2 women. One whom many of you probably don't know (yet), and the other whom many of you probably do know.
The person who you probably don't know is a 17 year old friend of mine, whom, because I'm not sure she wants to make her thoughts free for all to observe, I'll call Jen. A few days ago Jen posted a real, raw, and transparent note on her facebook 'notes'. It's not for everyone to see, but only for a few whom she tagged in the note. As I read her entry, I wasn't only struck by the depth of her emotion and the intensity of her loneliness, but by her transparency. She poured out feelings of insecurity, emptiness, and confusion in a way so raw and powerful, it's been in my mind for a few days.
I belong to a Vineyard church. I had visited other churches, been part of other churches, but it wasn't until I came to a Vineyard church 12 years ago that I found a place where people are open about their junk. They didn't put on a happy face and pretend everything is fine and then walk out the doors and return to business as usual. These people were real. Sure, there are tons of churches where this transparency is modeled out and real healing happens, but this was where I found it. Jen's words reminded me that we all need to know we're not alone and the only way that happens is if some of us are brave enough to talk about it, blog about it, and also go public about the healing and change that takes place as we do it. We all need each other, we need each other to be real and meet us, through transparency, in our loneliness, shame, insecurities, confusion, etc. So Jen was the first person who inspired me to start this place of transparency available to any who are hungry and, like me, are looking for bread.
The other woman who inspired me is probably known to many of you: Julia Pickerill. Julia was one of the first to welcome me at the Vineyard 12 years ago, and now she's in Europe with her hub, 3 kids, and a merry band of other adventurers starting a church in Amsterdam. I've appreciated Julia's blog, and noted what an encouragement it's been not only to me, but everyone else who's been rooting along for them in their mission. It seems that Julia's documentation of their journey outward to bring hope and a message of love to others greatly encourages all of us who seek to do the same wherever we're at. I want to live my life like that here, in Columbus OH, and I want to publicly chronicle where I see my friend Jesus moving too that any who might need a dose of encouragement might benefit.
Also, it's just good to know what Jesus is doing through all of us, because if he does anything good through me, if he reaches anyone through me, others should know because others have helped to produce it. It's only because others have loved me: People like the Pickerills, like the Thompsons, like Alen and Brett, Alicia and Sarah; People like Sara Carlisle, Greg Varner, Jason Jarvis, Dan Gladiuex, Jeremy Gunn, Lori Wood, Carol Achmoody, Rhodie Shreve, Rich Nathan, Chris Meekins, so many others, too many to recount here...they have prayed for me, hugged me, encouraged me, and done so many good things for me, that I'm able to stand on their shoulders and do the same for others. So I think others should be able to share in what Jesus is doing.
It's for those two reasons that I join the world of blogging, I hope you're encouraged along the way as I have been by others.