CT's Blog

The Story and Lyrics behind 'Modest is the hottest'

2009-03-25T05:29:00.000-07:00

Modest is the hottest
In California little girls can be seen wearing shirts that read ‘porn star’. I’ve read interviews of young teenage girls who idolize a certain adult film actress. Seems like we’ve gone over the edge and “Modest is the hottest” is a push-back in the other direction because, while attraction is important in a relationship, it’s admiration for ‘who’ another person is that makes a relationship last.
“Put your cows in the barn/if your house ain’t for sale take the sign off the lawn” is just another way of sayin’ ‘stop showin’ so much’. Hope you find this interesting.

She was workin’ really hard to catch his eye
Showin’ lots of body but he gave no sign
Of havin’ any interest even turnin’ his head
Strange cause when it came to looks she was drop dead
Fin’ly she just stopped him—asked him what the problem might be
He said ‘listen here honey, to my philosophy’:

Modest is the hottest
Put your cows in the barn
If your house ain’t for sale, keep the sign off the lawn
It’s true that there’s some guys
Who wanna take a look at your thighs
But if I had to say and be honest, modest it the hottest.

Daddy’s little girl was turnin’ 17
And just like her mama she was long lovely and lean
In her jeans and cowboy boots she was lookin’ really strong
She was headin’ out to her party when Daddy saw the back of her thong
He said ‘you still live in my house, get back and change your clothes, and let me tell something girl, your mama learned long ago

Bridge 1:
It’s true that playin’ the hoe
Is part of our society
But the only thing that’ll get ya, is a nasty STD
Smart guys are lookin’ for a woman, they’ll still like when they’re old
So put some girls on girlfriend, before ya catch a cold yeah

Bridge 2:
It’s true that playin’ the hoe
Is part of our society
And Britney kissed Madonna one night on MTV
But I ain’t bout all that
And that’s just where I stand
Cause I likes a woman who likes to kiss a man

Cause one day down bout the day it’s time to retire
That cutey fanny and six pack gonna be a cooler and a spare tire
Lil’ liposuction and botox, only take a girl so far
And then when then her chassis’ rusted you’ you’ll be stuck with a rusty car
So slow down little lady, no need to go so fastCause what lots of guys are still lookin’ for a little piece of class

You can listen to a clip of the song @ the itunes store, just type in Chris James Traut

Why Lent is one of the worst and best ideas ever

2009-03-16T12:41:00.000-07:00

Nope, not talking about the stuff you pull from your dryer screen or even (let's be real), your belly button. Not talkin' about lint, I'm talkin' 'Lent'. Yep, that yearly lowlight in the calendar of every Catholic and many other Christians.

Raised in a Catholic family, I really was never much a fan of Lent. Ya see (for those who don't know), Lent is the 40 days of intense spiritual preparation--fasting/prayer/meditation/giving--leading up to Easter Sunday. As a tradition, many Catholics and Christians would give up their vices and guilty pleasures during this time in hopes of becoming a better person and to prove to ourselves that we're really not addicts after all, really, we're not (how do you spell 'denial'?). And therein lies one of the reasons that Lent is one of the worst ideas ever.

People get the bright ideas to give up caffeine, alcohol, desserts, smoking, TV, basically anything that could send them into DT's. And while this 'holy sacrifice unto The Lord' might in some way draw the persons, themselves, closer to God it generally makes them cranky as a bear on PCP to deal with. People get grouchy, irritable, sour and dour; and while they are 'supposedly' on some spiritual high, we all are forced to cope with the side effects of withdrawal from their normal, regularly ingested/inhaled/imbibed mood altering substances which in turn compels us to begin use of said substances.

Moreover, many spiritual pilgrims, as a sign of our spiritual sincerity, abstain from meat on Fridays during Lent. As an alternative, we gorge ourselves on fish, which would explain (if you hadn't noticed) the rash of fast food places that seem flooded with new 'deluxe topped with tarter mcwhaler fish sandwiches' every February. As long as people are being spiritual by gorging themselves with fish, why not turn a profit? It's America. I keenly remember visiting a local establishment in my home county on Fridays during Lent for their 'all you can eat' fish fries during Lent, which I understood to mean 'eat all you can'. Wow, that was sacrifice. Yep, I've always thought Lent is one of the worst ideas ever.

But then, I actually try it myself. Each Lent, for the past 4 years or so, I've renewed my own personal commitment to give something up in an attempt to focus more on God. You know what? It works. This year I gave up chocolate chip cookies (my favorite indulgence) AND snacking between meals, a favored habit of mine that creeps back into my life like a Frito Lay truck driver making his rounds before sunrise. Each year I have found that Lent is like a 'reset' button on my spiritual life, it shows me how soft I've gotten the rest of the year, how I've forgotten that to be a follower of Jesus means I'm to carry my own 'cross' just as he carried a cross. Lent reminds me that there's supposed to be suffering and sacrifice involved in this life with Jesus, a truth that escapes me in my normal-happy-snackin'-chocolate-chip-cookie-eatin' life. When those passing, satisfying yet superficial joys are removed, I press into prayer and meditation in Lent, and I find a deeper peace, love, joy, and satisfaction which became foreign to me (again) throughout the year. Makes me wonder how I find myself in that place again, year after year. The Good Book says 'as a dog returns to it's vomit, so a fool repeats his folly'. Yep, I'm a fool, but Lent always helps me return to my senses.

And for that reason, Lent is one of the best ideas ever.

Why we shouldn't always believe the NYT, and others...

2009-02-06T08:53:00.000-08:00

"A rocket will never be able to leave the Earth's atmosphere."

That is a fact. The New York Times said it. Believe it or not, they did say it, in an article in 1936.

Lately I've been reflecting on how often times we don't try things, believe things, give people a chance, experiment, follow a dream, or try anything new simply because of what people tells us.

But people have a funny way of stating, with absolute certainty how certain things will never happen. Consider some of the following:

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp. (DEC), maker of big business mainframe computers, arguing against the PC in 1977.

“There is practically no chance communications space satellites will be used to provide better telephone, telegraph, television, or radio service inside the United States.” — T. Craven, FCC Commissioner, in 1961 (the first commercial communications satellite went into service in 1965).

“There will never be a bigger plane built.” — A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that holds ten people

Starting to see a trend here? How about a couple more...

“[Television] won’t be able to hold on to any market it captures after the first six months. People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” — Darryl Zanuck, movie producer, 20th Century Fox, 1946.

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to no one in particular?” — Associates of David Sarnoff responding to the latter’s call for investment in the radio in 1921.

I am an expert! I know what's possible and this certainly is not! That is a fact!

Hhmm, seems like there's only one real position we should take in life: anything is possible.

So what voice(s) have you been listening to lately?

"I'll never get married."

"I could never go back to college and find a better job."

"My spouse is never going to change."

"I'll never get out of debt."

"He'll never stop drinking."

Let me encourage you: rockets have left the atmosphere, many people in America have a computer in their home and many more want one, hundreds of satellites orbit the earth, the airbus A380 holds up to 520 people (a few more than 10), all while television and radio are both doing fine.

Walt Disney said 'it's kind of fun to do the impossible.'

Hey, go out and have some fun, because "nothing is impossible with God." (Luke 1:37)

Run for your lives! The world is ending in 2012!!!

2009-01-30T09:31:00.000-08:00

That's right friends, the clock is ticking, the days of all of us inhabiting this 3rd rock from the sun are numbered indeed! It's time to cash in your 401k's, quit work and support what other guilty pleasures you want to enjoy with credit cards of any interest rate because the dooms day predictors have given us the final verdict (again): an asteroid is going to hit earth creating total devastation and nothing but a bit of space rubble will remain where this planet once lay.

This is a fact! The comet's name: Nibiru
Time of impact: precisely 11:11pm (EST of course) on December 21, 2012.
How have they determined, with such incredible accuracy, the time and sequences of these events critical to our existence, nay, our annihilation? The way all other great, accurate, rock solid science is done: through a complex-yet-seemingly-obvious-mixture of quoting random verses and quatrains from Sacred Christian and Hindu scriptures, adding/subtracting/dividing/square rooting the numbers found in above stated random scriptures, and by combining the sum total of these answers with incredibly loosely interpreted quatrains from that great-and-deadly-accurate-seer-of-all-historical-events: Nostradamus.

Think I'm joking. I'm not. In fact, you can all consider this my letter of resignation, I am moving to the Maldives to live out the rest of my existence with exotic sea-nymphs, swimming off the coast with spider monkeys.

Actually, I am joking, but the fact that people are seriously talking about this is not a joke. This morning, a concerned father of one of the boys I work with as a 'youth environmentalist' called me asking for advice on how to counsel his son who refused to do his homework last night because 'if the world is going to end in 2012, what does it matter anyway'?
Think it's just young boys who are believing this?
It's not.
The morning conversation jogged my memory of how just one week ago, I was sitting at a table of grown adults and one man threw out, in all seriousness, the news that the world is supposed to end in 2012. Think it's just a handful of people believing this?
It's not.
If you take a minute to check, this is all over the internet, and we all believe everything Al Gore tells us on the internet, don't we? Just google '2012' and you'll see what I mean. Sights like
survive2012.com
december122012.com
and many, many more describe in surprising seriousness and detail what will happen. Some of them differ in the 'how' (some say Nibiru will collide with earth, others say it will change the earth's rotation), but they all agree on the 'when': 11:11pm (EST) 12.20.12.

So, that settles it, we're doomed. That is, unless, you'd like to consider the other couple times people have predicted the end of the world and were wrong about it. Oh, and by the way, when I write 'a couple' I mean more than 220 times people have wrongly attempted the apocalypse.
Here's a few:

By the year 1984, Jehovah's Witnesses held the record for the most wrong doomsday predictions. The Witnesses record is currently holding at nine for the incorrectly predicted years: 1874, 1878, 1881, 1910, 1914, 1918, 1925, 1975, and 1984. After nine failures they claimed they were out of the prediction business
1998: a Taiwanese cult operating out of Garland Texas predicted Christ would return on Mar, 31 of 1998. The reason the Taiwanese group claimed Jesus would begin the second coming in Garland is because it sounds like "God land". However, the group abandoned their second coming prediction because of a certain detail: the cult's leader said that, before Jesus’ return, God would appear on every channel 18 of every TV in the world, but realized at the last minute, the Playboy Network was channel 18 on several cable systems, and God would not want to have Christians watching a porn channel.
After promising themselves they would not make any more end time predictions, the Jehovah's Witnesses fell off the wagon and proclaimed 1994 as the end, saying their initial calculations were wrong.

Yup, their intial calculations were wrong, so were their new ones. All of them were, in fact, even the loose interpreters of 'the great' Nostradamus told us twice before the 'precise' year the world was going to end, once in 1999, and then they were bold enough to say 'we meant 2000'.

We know what you meant, you were still wrong.

Fact is, seems we all have a morbid fascination with the end of the world. I say 'morbid' because we are fascinated about it, but in a creepy way, like, 'why would we be excited about that? It's not going to be any fun if a comet struck our planet or changed it's rotation.' And, after all, why are we so thick-headed and slow to realize that any 'prophet' who says he or she knows 'when' the end is coming doesn't know enough to keep his mouth closed.

The reality is, all of our lives will end some day. 10 out of every 10 persons die. Seems like we better find a more worthy reason to live than worrying about when the end will come. This is a beautiful, sometimes scary planet to live on with a lot of noble but sometimes scared people to share it with. Instead of trying to peer into the future in futility, I've found incredible comfort, friendship, and truth from a person who 2000 years in the past said...

"I have come that they might have life, and have it to the full."

He has helped me reconcile my past, enjoy my present, and face the future.

BTW, for the record, I don't even know what a sea-nymph is.

Asking if Obama is the 'anti-christ' is not just ignorant, it's wrong

2009-01-30T08:17:00.001-08:00

You may have never heard anyone ask that question, but I'm acquainted with many church going people who, in either direct conversation with me or whom I've overheard in passing, have posed it. May I respectfully and in gentleness direct you to stop?

I am a follower of Jesus. I realize that stating that publicly brings a certain weight and responsibility along with it: people expect something of me, for me to carry myself with a certain dignity and respect--for self and others. May I add, that, if you're a follower of Jesus, people are expecting those things of you too? One piece of scripture states that, as Christians we are to 'let our gentleness be evident to all.' (Phil. 4:5) Far too many times and in far too many circles, Christians have become known for being cruel, insensitive, and appearing at least a little ignorant.

Take for example those who claim to follow Jesus but also picket gay pride parades carrying placards that read 'God hates fags'. I have never heard one account of a person marching in a gay pride parade walking up to a 'christian' holding such a sign and saying 'I want to know the God you serve. You exude this sort of gentleness and kindness that I'm just magnetized towards'. It doesn't happen because statements like that are not only wrong (I would challenge you to find anywhere in Scripture that states 'God hates fags'), but also unhelpful to all.

Near to that gaff in tone and theology is the question 'do you think Obama is the anti-Christ?' or 'isn't Obama the anti-christ'? It's wrong in tone because, last I checked, a followers of Jesus are to 'not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another...' (Eph. 4:29, 31-32a) How does asking if Obama is the 'anti-christ' build anyone up? I'm sure it wouldn't build up our president if you asked him. I'm sure it doesn't build up those who voted for him. How is it kind and compassionate? It's not, the tone of the question itself sounds far from the heart of Jesus.

But it's also just plain ignorant. To be 'ignorant' means 'to be lacking in knowledge', also 'to be uninformed.' A person who makes such a statement, albeit in the form of a question, is ignorant because it shows that a person who claims to be a Bible believing Christian it simply not reading their Bible. Scripture plainly tells us that the 'anti-christ' will deny 'that Jesus is the Christ--he denies the Father and the Son.' (1 John 2:22) Obama has been a follower of Jesus for over 2 decades. I remember seeing a clip of him stumping in the election stating that he spends time 'every night, praying to Jesus.' Aristotle might have looked at it this way:
1) The anti-christ will deny that Jesus is the Christ.
2) President Obama does not deny that Jesus is the Christ.
3) President Obama is not the 'anti-christ'

There, that wasn't so hard now was it?

Who's to say, but might it be that at the bottom of the question isn't a sincere theological concern about the anti-christ, but rather some bitterness that that party we may have voted for isn't in office? Or maybe Barack doesn't fit neatly into the box that other Leaders who are Christians do? I don't know, but I know that, if we have a relationship with Jesus, it would probably benefit more from us getting rid of any bitterness, anger, slander, and every form of malice than it does from us engaging in 'theology' worthy of the National Enquirer.

Follow Your Noble Dream

2008-12-20T05:25:00.000-08:00

Let us endeavor to live so that when we die, even the undertaker will be sorry. ~ Mark Twain

I'm going public with a dream. I'm not mentioning it to toot my own horn, draw attention to myself, or gain people's approval. I'm going public with a dream of mine to encourage you in following yours.

Dreams are important for us, incredibly important. I've had this dream in the back of my mind for years but I've made excuse after excuse why I shouldn't/wasn't going to follow it. I'm sure the excuses I believed for not following this dream I have are similar to the ones you have for not following yours"

"This is just a stupid idea."

"Who am I to think I'm someone special?"

"Give me a break, Chris, everyone wants to do that but it's just not realistic."

"Chris you need to be responsible. You can't afford to neglect people in your life because your out chasing this pipe dream."

There is some truth in the last excuse. I've made commitments and I have responsiblities to which I am accountable, we all do. But why can't I pursue a dream without letting the rest of my life fall apart? Why can't you?

Turns out the only things that can be more powerful than a dream we've been given are the excuses we make up for not giving them a shot. But I'm tired of making excuses. Every day that slips away is one less day I have to take a step towards the dream. My time here on earth is limited. So is yours.

What's my dream?
My dream is to change lives through music. To challenge, inspire, encourage, and comfort people through song. Music can reach people in ways few things can; it is one of the greatest means of communication and I want to tap into it to send the message that there is a God who cares, that he's with us, that life is short, precious, and we need to live each day as if it were our last. I want to spur people to live creatively. I want to send that message to as many people as possible as soon as possible. And I want to play with the best. I want to make music with James Taylor, Garth Brooks, Stephen Curtis Chapman and John Mellencamp.

There. I said it. To be honest it's pretty hard, I think because once we start talking about it people expect us to do something about it, and maybe that's good. We risk people thinking we're stupid and being ridiculed. Oh well. People were pretty sure the world was flat before Columbus sailed.

But I've discovered something VERY important since I about 1 month ago, when I started really sharing this dream with other people and this is the reason I'm writing this. Pursuing this dream openly has breathed a freshness into the rest of my life; it's brought perspective to my current life; somehow it's brought a freedom to not take myself so seriously, to laugh easier, to smile at the imperfections in myself and others rather than be too critical. I find myself less stressed.

You see, most people are afraid of the effort it will take to pursue a dream but actually, it takes quite a bit of work to not pursue a dream as well. A dream is like a puppy, it takes energy to chase one down, but it seems like it takes more to try to hold it and make it be still (go to Petsmart and hold one, you'll see what I mean pretty fast, unless your holding a basset hound, but even they squirm a lot too.)

Once you give way to following a noble dream, believe it or not there's a sense of relief. There's no more penting it up inside. It's like you can breathe.

Dreams pursued bring life to us. So what's yours?
Do you dream about going overseas and making a difference in Africa of Asia, or maybe south in Central/South America? What are you waiting for?

Do you dream about asking someone out because they really interest you but you're afraid of rejection? When will you stop making excuses? The worst they can say is 'no'. Would that ruin you for life? Probably not, probably not even for an hour. In any case, the odds are with us if we try and then keep trying.

Remember, Lincoln failed in several runs at political office.
Jordan got cut from his basketball team his sophomore year in high school.
The Beatles had 2 drummers quit and were turned down by at least 3 record labels before stardom. One label turned them down because "guitar groups are on their way out."

So much for failure.

What's 'the dream' for you? Being a homeowner? Now is a better market to buy than ever.
Starting a church or a small group?
Fighting for the rights of the poor?
Going to film school so you can make documentaries?
Getting into med school? Nursing School? Becoming a teacher? Becoming...?
Writing songs of your own?
What exactly is it that your waiting for to get on with it?

There's a Chinese proverb that reads: He who waits for roast duck to fly into his mouth must wait a very long time.
Go out. Get that duck. Cook it up. Enjoy it. Today is the day.

The Power of 'Thanks-living'

2008-11-26T04:29:00.000-08:00

About 3 years ago I sat frustrated, I was dealing with one of the most miserable emotions of all: envy, I was envious of someone I knew. There's just no fun in envy-it's the least gratifying of the 7 deadly sins. With most of the 7, we at least get some momentary pleasure--the temporary physical pleasure in satisfying lust or the satisfaction of 'telling it like it is' when we plunge into anger. With envy, we wallow in our misery, as one person put it: sorrowful at another person's good. We want what they have but what we have no right to.

I had heard before that the remedy to such a pitiful situation was to just start thanking God for everything we could think of, so I did. With paper and pen in front of me I started writing down and numbering everything I could possibly think of that I was thankful for. When I reached the 80-something things, not only had the envy vanished, but tears of gratefulness were streaming down my face.

That moment really changed my life, and in light of the great day of thanks approaching, I wanted to publicize some lessons I've learned about the power of 'thanks-living', that's right, living a life of thanks for what we have.

First, giving thanks makes me realize all that I DO have. Let's face it, we are bombarded with dozens of ads every day designed to make us want what we don't have. Taken altogether, they accumulate to make us feel empty, like something is missing in our life and that new pair of shoes, jeans, ripped abs, whatever, will fill the space within. A friend of mine was talking with a noted marketer lately and asked how advertisers have become so good at what they do. "That's simple", the marketer replied, "We take a page straight out of Satan's book. We realize that every person wants what they don't have, we just capitalize on that." As a result, we line up before sunrise on black Friday, eager to grab our new toys at discount prices only later to suffer with a bad case of 'buyer's remorse', realizing the 'goods' haven't done that much good to change our lives. Many times we don't even need what we buy (there have been times in the past when I bought something and it stayed in my closet with the tag on for days or weeks before even I wore it. Can you relate?) Living a thankful life is the cure to this cycle, rather than letting our inner landscape be shaped by the force of greed and envy, we can be filled with deep gratitude for all that we do have.

Second, I've seen how giving thanks gets me through difficult times and appreciate what is right in this moment. I used to get locked up in the mentality (and at times I still can) that once I make it through the current crisis, things will get back to normal and I can regain a sense of peace. The problem is, we face different crisis almost every day: a child is sick, a heating bill is larger than expected, David Archuletta didn't win American Idol (j/k, I'm a public David Cook fan). Rick Warren once pointed out that 'there's never been a time in my life when everything was good and nothing was bad, AND there's never been a time when everything was bad and nothing was good. Both are happening at the same time and what makes the difference is which we choose to focus on. Before I got married I got cold feet big time because I started focusing in on one certain quality about Chantelle that I didn't like. As I focused on the issue, it seemed to grow larger and larger until it was all I could think about and was robbing me of all joy. When I shared this with a trusted mentor, he said 'Chris you just need to pray.' I said 'really' but I was thinking 'are you crazy? Aren't you listening?' He said 'yeah, the Bible wouldn't tell us to 'think about what is pure, lovely, and admirable' if we couldn't do it.' In the end, I learned that he was right, not only about my Chantelle, but all of life. I remember a friend of mine had his car stolen and I said 'man that is terrible' but he replied 'yeah I'm looking forward to see how God works through this.' An attitude of gratitude changes the entire process of pain in our life. Lately, when people have asked me 'how's it goin'?' I've begun to respond 'It is goin' well whether it likes it or not.' Meaning, whatever happens today, I'm not going to let it shape me, rather through my faith that 'God works in all things for the good of those who love Him', I'm going to shape my day. I am not a victim to whatever happens in my life, I am a victor no matter what happens in my life.

Third, I've seen how being thankful makes me realize that I have a lot to give. When I'm thinking about what I want, I grasp and hoard to and for myself. When I'm thankful, my eyes are opened to how much I do have. I buy less, consume less, and I realize I have a lot to give--time, affection, energy, financial resource. I remember that people in Haiti are eating 'dirt cookies' to survive (a mixture of butter, salt, water, and yes, real dirt. It's called geophagy and is practiced in many poverty stricken countries). What can I do to make a difference since I've been given so much? What can you do to make a difference? If you're reading this, it's probably b/c you're affluent enough to be on a computer.

Finally, I've learned that starting to give thanks for all we have take us on the first footsteps for God's path for our lives. A person once said that 'the loneliest moment in an atheists life is being filled with joy and having no one to thank for it.' In giving thanks, we can't help but draw near to God, reflecting on all the blessing in our lives brings us into the reality that there is Someone out there who has blessed us with it. That might be the beginning of being closer to God than we every have. If you believe there is a God, I'd encourage you to take a step or two closer to Him, wherever you're at, by giving thanks for all that is good, pure, and lovely in your life today.

When you're thinking about getting engaged...

2008-11-20T17:56:00.000-08:00

When we've been dating someone for a while and we're thinking this is 'the one', it can actually be a really tough spot. I remember searching and asking friends/family for some solid thoughts on how to navigate that step and coming away with only vague notions of how to process through it. It's like, one of the biggest steps we take in life, but often times the pathway to getting a drivers' license seems clearer than the path to asking for/offering a hand in marriage.
If you're in that spot, headed towards that spot, or hope to someday be in that spot, imagine us right now in a local starbucks, each of us having a mug of warm beverage of personal choice in front of us, and chatting through this step you're thinking about. Here's some thoughts I'd lay before you in hopes of clearing a bit of the fog.

First, lots of people wonder how long should we date before talking about getting engaged?

You know, the truth is there's not rule anywhere that gives us a mandate of how long is too long or how quick is too quick. And if there was, why would we listen to that? Often times, by the time we reach the point of engagement we're so drunk with love that it's hard for us to listen to any words of counsel someone may have about the timing. But while we sat there, sipping on starbucks, I'd encourage you to consider 2 things. #1 It takes time to see what a person is really made of. One of my favorite proverbs is 19:2 "It's not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way." This is a truth none of us escape: time gives us the advantage of seeing how this person does in real life; anyone can put up a good image for a while, but we really need to give ourselves time to see 'what comes out of a person when life 'squeezes' them?' Time does that. You know this, but...in reality, ending a dating relationship is infinitely easier than ending a marriage or engagement. Give yourself the time to do the first if needed. #2 Remember that you'll tell your story of how you met and married dozens, if not hundreds of times over the course of your life to kids, nieces, nephews, friends, etc. Do yourself the favor of being able to tell how you did things right, with patience, rather than be a person who moans that they divorced because they 'married too quick' or 'just didn't know who the person was.'

If you had to push me personally for a time limit before getting engaged I'd say regardless of your age, whether 20-something or 40 something, give yourself 8 months minimum before getting a ring. If you can stand it, get crazy and go one entire year dating before getting engaged.

After that, I'd throw out a few more thoughts to ask you about your prospective fiancee.
#1 If this person never changes from here on, would you be okay with that? Some people see issues in their beloved and think 'well yeah, they have problem 'x' but I'm sure 'I can fix them' or 'they'll grow out of it'. Listen, that person may never change, in fact, the issue you're seeing may get worse so you need to ask yourself if that were the case, would you be okay with that? Would you be okay with that person's drinking, spending, porn use, eating their own earwax, whatever--if it never changed would you be okay with that? If not, you've got something to think about.

#2 Do you share the same spiritual beliefs? This is SO incredibly important, whether you're an atheist, follower of Jesus, or whatever. Trust me, do not turn a blind eye to this, if you're an atheist and you're thinking about marrying a follower of Jesus, you'll be very perturbed by their habit of giving away $ to their church or a missions organization, or their service in a church, or their attendance of a church. I have seen so many people in deep emotional pain because they and their spouse are living a spiritually separate life; trust me, you'll want to spare yourself that misery.

#3 You're seeing some faults in this person, does that mean you're not meant to be? No, in fact, it's actually a good thing that you're seeing some faults, it probably means you're giving yourself adequate time to see all sides of a person. Now, you should never-ever-never marry someone who is abusive--that's not the kind of fault I'm talking about. I'm talking about things like the person's conflict resolution style, or they're more introverted than you are, or their feet smell. Those types of things can be worked with through counseling, giving them needed space, Dr. Scholl's inserts, etc. So don't count the person out because you're seeing that they're a real person with weaknesses as well as strengths.

#4 Are you still physically attracted to this person? Or has the initial attraction already worn off. Listen, this is huge, if the attraction has worn off by this point, imagine what it will be like in 10, 20, 30 years. Do NOT get engaged if you're not attracted to the person. Really, it's probably time to break things off if that's the place you're in after 8-16 months.

#5 Do you have things in common/to talk about for hours and hours apart from our desire to get engaged/marry? This is a huge one too, I mean, really, if you don't have other things to talk about for hours and hours besides getting engaged and married, what will you talk about after you're engaged and married?

Finally,
#6 Does this person have a steady job (or are they independently wealthy?)? This might be a sticking point in these economic times, but does this person work? Can they provide income? Are they motivated and can they hold down a job? If not, unless they're just wealthy, you'll end up paying the bills each month, will you be cool with that?

So at this point, we'd be done sipping our coffee, and if you have some other thoughts, this would be the time to discuss them!

Dating Part 2: Once you're in it...

2008-11-11T16:23:00.000-08:00

I've been part of a 20-30 something community in my area for the last 12 years. During that time, I've noticed a certain phenomenon occuring: when we're single and not dating, we often look forward to a time when we will be dating. When we finally start dating someone, we can make ourselves sick (and spoil what would otherwise be a very enjoyable time) by overanalyzing the relationship.

We nag ourselves with different forms of the same neurotic question 'is this the one? Is this the person i'm supposed to be with? If not, I don't want to be

dating this person because I don't want to get emotionally involved and then have to break things off/get hurt.' Or 'I don't date 'just to date', I only want to date the person I'm going to marry so...is this that person?' Or, to clearly state the question so many Christians ask about someone else: 'is this the one God has for me?'

I've seen so many good, faithful, and faith-filled people in the course of a good relationship work themselves up so much with these questions that anything good they might have otherwise enjoyed from the relationship is spoiled by this endless questioning of it.

If you are currently in that spot or sometime find yourself in that spot, might I give you a bit of helpful advice? Relax. No really--relax. Take a deep breath, rub your shoulders a little bit, work the tension out. Now, let me reassure you of one thing--God is really good at speaking. So good in fact that, to put the Bible as we know it together, He spoke over the course of almost 2000 years, through dozens and dozens of different authors, from different walks of life, some in jail cells, some in King's courts, some out in fields...yet in spite of all of those obstacles, the picture we get of Him and what He wants to do on this earth is strikingly similar and consistent throughout. He's so good at speaking that he spoke to one particular man, Balaam, through his donkey. All that to say that if God wants you tell you something I'm pretty sure He can easily get the job done. Let me state that again: the first reason you can relax is that God can easily tell you something if he wants to.

But let's face it, we can drive ourselves crazy with questions of 'is this the one?' 'Should I continue dating this person?' "How will I know if this is the one?" How do I think through this decision.

I would suggest you sit down in a quiet spot, alone or with a good friend, whichever works best for you (although I do recommend that 'good friend' not be the person you're in the relationship with) and think through answers to the following 5 questions.

1. Are there specific things I have in common with this person? You don't have to like ALL the same things, but over the course of a marriage, it will really help if there are things you simply like doing together--going to a game, cooking, movies, walks in a park--to this day an afternoon with Chantelle at a coffee shop with a paper or a bookstore is great for the both of us. But there should be some things you like doing together.

2. Am I physically attracted to this person? Oh this may seem superficial, but it's not. In fact, the Bible seems to put a high value on it--Song of Solomon is an entire book about 2 lovers engrossed in each other's appearance. I married a hottie and to this day I don't regret it. In fact I recommend you do the same.

3. Does this person make me laugh? Life's filled with so many downers, tough days, depressing days. It's essential to have someone you can laugh with. Proverbs says 'a cheerful heart is good medicine'. Man that's true, on a rough day, a friend who can cheer you up or make you smile makes all the difference. Everybody has a different sense of humor, and I'm sure God's big enough to come up with someone to match yours.

4. Does this person enjoy a good reputation in the community? Whether it's a community of friends, a church, synagogue, mosque, whatever, if people are saying good things it's a good sign, but if there are some bad things going around about this person, listen up. The Bible says 'even a child is known by his actions.'

5. Am I generally encouraged in my spiritual beliefs after I've been with this person? This is THE MOST IMPORTANT! Lots of pastors like to quote the verse about 'not being unequally yoked' when it comes to marriage. I side with a lot of modern thinkers who think that's taking that verse out of context, first because marriage is not referred to as a 'yoke' (hitchin' two animals together) anywhere else in the Bible. Second because, in context, the passage is talking about mixing religious doctrines. I think a Biblical case that's much easier to observe throughout scripture is that when you marry someone who worships a different god, you'll probably end up worshipping their god. Bottom line, if you're committed to following Jesus and you want to keep following him, best to partner up with someone who seems to be doing the same.

If the answer is yes to all or almost all of those questions, do yourself a favor, date that person for 2 months. Don't worry day to day if 'this is the one.' Enjoy it. Enjoy the person and be an encouragement to them. After that, go back and answer the same questions again. If the answer is yes to most or all again, repeat. Do that for about 6 months, after that, you'll have a pretty good idea whether or not 'this is the one' or not...and you'll enjoy the ride much, much more.

Regarding dating: guys man up, women keep your chin up

2008-11-07T16:24:00.000-08:00

So in the course of my day today, I had the privilege of hearing a friend read an incredibly moving letter his girlfriend had wrote him. Now, since this is not their blog, both of their identities will remain private, and most of the content of the letter will too, but one portion of the letter really struck me.
The portion that did the work on me was when this young lady revealed how much his words, affection, and pure pursuit of her took her back, caught her off guard, she didn't know what to make of it. She said for years she has wondered if there was something wrong with her because no guys ever showed interest in her. The totally crazy thing is this girl is a 'catch' in every way: she's smart, generous, incredibly compassionate, independent, emotionally healthy, financially sound, modest, and get this, she's really, really pretty too!
This blog is about the 'inside culture' of the Christian dating community; for those who may read it and would not describe themselves part of that community, go easy on us, no community is perfect. But for those who are part of that community, you may have, like me, noticed some strange non-events. Guys who seem healthy and viable matches for numerous young women bide their time in solitude, unsure if they should risk rejection and take a shot while many young women--smart, funny, sociable, deep, intelligent, young women--wait and wonder if there's something wrong with them, at times 'settling' for a lower caliber of guy who happens to have the guts to ask them out.
Now there are certainly good reasons for those apparently healthy, viable guys to remain hesitant in asking a young lady out, maybe there's more going on than what's apparent: you're going through some kinds of healing yourself, working through an addiction: those are good reasons to be hesitant. Many times, though, I hear that guys are just 'waiting for God to speak'.
Listen, consider this a cue that God is speaking. Often times what starts a couple dating is not a hand writing on a wall or the mystical alignment of some planets, rather it's the 'splinter in your mind', you keep thinking about her; there's a room full of people but she's the one you keep noticing; or maybe when you're in a group of people she's the one you find yourself talking to over and over. What I'm saying is that--if she's got good character, is responsible, funny, and you're attracted to her--dude, get on with it. Ask her out, the worse she can say is 'no', and trust me, you'll get over it, maybe she will too. A girl said 'no' to me once and then some time later ended up marrying me. Man up.
And ladies, women, let me encourage you, there's nothing wrong with you. Who knows the reasons why Providence keeps us waiting--maybe to build patience, maybe so we can spend more time in other pursuits, maybe none of those but simply because men today lack confidence, most of our fathers didn't build that into us. Whatever the reason, I for one think it's generally good that you are waiting to be asked out. I realize this is 2008 and not 1908 and that's not a very egalitarian statement. Let me clarify my last statement, there's nothing at all wrong with a women asking a guy out, but I've done many weddings, counseled both married and engaged couples and I've noted one thing: most women (if not all) want to be pursued, and if you're hoping to have a guy who will pursue you IN marriage (which most women do), you'll have to see if he'll pursue you before marriage. If you want that, it's best to wait.
Also, if it is on your heart to be in a relationship, I'd encourage you to pray. Someone once encouraged me to do that, so I did. For 3 years before I met my Chantelle, I prayed to the Higher Power of my personal choice (Jesus) every night before bed for my unknown wife--that God would bring our footsteps together, and get me ready to meet her. If you desire a relationship, I don't know if anything can lead your footsteps together quicker than persistent prayer.
If that doesn't work, it probably wouldn't hurt to forward the site for this blog to him.

Why I've joined the world of blogging.

2008-11-07T07:38:00.000-08:00

Yes it's true, I've joined the world of blogging. To keep it simple, my inspiration for bringing my thoughts, experiences, and observations into the realm of public domain has been 2 people, 2 women. One whom many of you probably don't know (yet), and the other whom many of you probably do know.
The person who you probably don't know is a 17 year old friend of mine, whom, because I'm not sure she wants to make her thoughts free for all to observe, I'll call Jen. A few days ago Jen posted a real, raw, and transparent note on her facebook 'notes'. It's not for everyone to see, but only for a few whom she tagged in the note. As I read her entry, I wasn't only struck by the depth of her emotion and the intensity of her loneliness, but by her transparency. She poured out feelings of insecurity, emptiness, and confusion in a way so raw and powerful, it's been in my mind for a few days.
I belong to a Vineyard church. I had visited other churches, been part of other churches, but it wasn't until I came to a Vineyard church 12 years ago that I found a place where people are open about their junk. They didn't put on a happy face and pretend everything is fine and then walk out the doors and return to business as usual. These people were real. Sure, there are tons of churches where this transparency is modeled out and real healing happens, but this was where I found it. Jen's words reminded me that we all need to know we're not alone and the only way that happens is if some of us are brave enough to talk about it, blog about it, and also go public about the healing and change that takes place as we do it. We all need each other, we need each other to be real and meet us, through transparency, in our loneliness, shame, insecurities, confusion, etc. So Jen was the first person who inspired me to start this place of transparency available to any who are hungry and, like me, are looking for bread.
The other woman who inspired me is probably known to many of you: Julia Pickerill. Julia was one of the first to welcome me at the Vineyard 12 years ago, and now she's in Europe with her hub, 3 kids, and a merry band of other adventurers starting a church in Amsterdam. I've appreciated Julia's blog, and noted what an encouragement it's been not only to me, but everyone else who's been rooting along for them in their mission. It seems that Julia's documentation of their journey outward to bring hope and a message of love to others greatly encourages all of us who seek to do the same wherever we're at. I want to live my life like that here, in Columbus OH, and I want to publicly chronicle where I see my friend Jesus moving too that any who might need a dose of encouragement might benefit.
Also, it's just good to know what Jesus is doing through all of us, because if he does anything good through me, if he reaches anyone through me, others should know because others have helped to produce it. It's only because others have loved me: People like the Pickerills, like the Thompsons, like Alen and Brett, Alicia and Sarah; People like Sara Carlisle, Greg Varner, Jason Jarvis, Dan Gladiuex, Jeremy Gunn, Lori Wood, Carol Achmoody, Rhodie Shreve, Rich Nathan, Chris Meekins, so many others, too many to recount here...they have prayed for me, hugged me, encouraged me, and done so many good things for me, that I'm able to stand on their shoulders and do the same for others. So I think others should be able to share in what Jesus is doing.
It's for those two reasons that I join the world of blogging, I hope you're encouraged along the way as I have been by others.